The Old Maid's Birthday

Source: What Shall We Do Now?: Five Hundred Games And Pastimes
Category: THINKING, GUESSING, AND ACTING GAMES



This game is utterly foolish, but it can lead to shouts of laughter.
It has been founded on an old-fashioned card game called "Mr. Punch."
The first thing required is a pack of plain cards on which should be
written the names of articles of food and clothing, household
utensils, and other domestic and much advertised things: such, for
example, as a frock-coat, a round of beef, a foot-warmer, a box of
pills. A story, somewhat on the lines of that which follows, must then
be prepared and copied into a note-book. The company take their places
and the cards are handed round. These should be held face downward.
When all is ready one of the players reads the story, pausing at each
blank for the player whose turn comes next to fill it in by calling
out whatever is on his uppermost card. No matter how often the game is
played (provided the cards are re-shuffled) the unexpected always
happens, and it is usually so absurd as to be quite too much for a
room all ready for laughter. The number of blanks in the story should
be equal to the number of cards, and in order that the story may run
on smoothly it is well for the next player always to glance at his top
card just before his turn, so as to bring it out readily and
naturally. The following story, which makes provision for nearly fifty
cards, should be found serviceable until a better and more personal
one is written. It will add to the amusement if the player who reads
it substitutes the names of real shops and, if he likes, real people:

Attention. It was Miss Flitters's birthday, and she woke with
a start and hurried down to see what the postman had brought.
There were five parcels and a letter. The letter was from
Miss Bitters. "Dear Miss Flitters," it ran, "I am so sorry to
hear of your cold, and in the hope that it will do you good,
I am sending you a ----. I always find it excellent, although
mother prefers ----. We both wish you many happy returns of
the day." The other presents were, from Miss Ditters a
handsome ----, from Miss Glitters a delicate ----, and from
Miss Hitters a particularly refined ----. "Dear me!" said
Miss Flitters, "what a useful gift! just exactly what I
wanted." She then sat down to breakfast, which, this being a
special day, consisted of ----. "I did my best to do it to a
turn," said the cook, as she laid it on the table with her
own hands. "Mary said as how you'd prefer a ----, but, bless
your 'eart, Miss Flitters, I know your tastes best." "You do,
indeed," said Miss Flitters. "The thing is perfectly cooked.
It's delicious. It reminds me of ----. To-day," she added, "I
am giving a party, and I want you to let us have a very
charming meal. I will get the things directly after
breakfast. What do you think we shall need?" "Well, ma'am,"
said the cook, "you may please yourself about everything
else, but we've done without a ---- for so long, that I must
have one." "Quite right," said her mistress.

She then prepared for going out; and seeing that it looked
like rain, took a ---- from the cupboard and on her head tied
a ----. "Bless your 'eart, mum," cried the cook, "you've
forgot your smelling salts. Suppose you was to feel
faint--what then? Never mind," she added, "this'll do just as
well"--handing her a ----. Miss Flitters hurried off at such
a pace that she ran right into the minister. "I beg your
pardon," she exclaimed, "I mistook you for a ----." "May I
come with you?" asked the minister. "Most certainly," said
Miss Flitters.

They went first to Buszard's for a ----, and selected two
particularly juicy ones. Then to Marshall and Snelgrove's for
a ----. "Is this for the complexion?" asked the minister,
picking up a ---- from the counter. "La, sir," said Miss
Flitters, "how little you know of domestic life!" Then they
went to Fuller's for a ----, and to Jay's for a ----. "It's
too dear," said Miss Flitters. "Give me a ----instead." At
the stores they inspected ----. "Haven't you anything
fresher?" asked Miss Flitters: "I'd as soon buy a ----." None
the less she bought two and slipped them into her reticule,
adding as a little gift for the cook a ----.

The party began at six o'clock. The first to come was Miss
Kitters. "You don't mind my bringing my work, I know, dear,"
she exclaimed; "I'm embroidering a ---- for the natives of
Madagascar, and it must be done soon." Miss Litters came
next, and being rather short-sighted, sat down on a ----.
"Never mind," said Miss Flitters. "Oh, I don't," she replied,
"but it would have been more comfortable if it had been a
----." Miss Mitters came just as the clock struck. She was
wearing a charming ---- trimmed with ----. "What perfect
taste she has!" the others murmured. Miss Nitters followed.
Miss Nitters was the exact opposite of Miss Mitters in all
matters relating to dress. She had no taste at all, and was
wearing merely a ---- with pompons attached, and in place of
earrings a couple of ----. "So fast!" whispered Miss Litters.
Miss Pitters, Miss Ritters, and Miss Titters each brought a
present. Miss Pitters's present was a silver-plated ----. "So
useful for the toilet table," she said. Miss Ritters's was a
Japanese ----, a piece of exquisite workmanship; while Miss
Titters produced from her pocket a brown paper parcel which
turned out to contain a very choice ----, an heirloom in the
Titters family for centuries. "I didn't know whether to bring
this or a ----," she said; "but father decided me. Father
always knows best."

When all were assembled, the guests sat down to supper. But
here an awkward thing happened. "If you please, mum," the
cook was heard to whisper in a loud voice, "the ---- hasn't
come. Shall I get a ---- instead?" "Yes," said Miss Flitters,
"that will do very well. Don't you think so, Miss Pitters?"
"I think," was the reply, "I should prefer ----." It was none
the less an excellent and generous repast. Opposite Miss
Flitters was a noble ----, flanked by a ---- and a ----. At
the foot of the table was a dish of ----. "I never tasted
anything so delicious in my life," said Miss Mitters, taking
a large helping of ----. "Oh!" said Miss Glitters, "you
should try the ----. It's yumps." The first course was
followed by sweets, the most imposing of which was a
wonderful frosted ---- with Miss Flitters's name in pink
sugar. "You must all have a piece," said the hostess, "but
I'm afraid it's rather rich."

After supper came games, "Blind Man's Buff" and "Hunt the
Slipper," but as no one cared to lend a slipper, they used
instead a ----, and it did very well. At midnight the party
broke up, the guests saying that they never had spent a
pleasanter evening. As a protection against the cold Miss
Flitters gave them each a hot ----. She then hurried to bed
and dreamed all night of ----.


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